I have caught myself numerous times continuously complaining about every little thing there is. Jobs. People. Places. And when I wasn’t going through something in real life, my mind had no problem just…creating all these scenes that weren’t even real. Everything just got on my nerves. I didn’t give it much thought, until this past weekend. I hadn’t been spending much needed time with myself, and neglected some mental care. I asked Self, why so negative? I knew the answer but I thought maybe I’d discover more.
I did when I fell asleep on the couch and had a dream, or a series of dreams, where I was with some family members but found myself getting continuously left behind. They didn’t wait for me, just told me what they were doing and proceeded to get their things and leave.
Then I wanted some Chinese food and asked my parents did they want any. I was already full, there was no need for more, but my mother said she wanted some and I placed the order just to immediately regret it. But I had already made the order, so I stuck with it. I go outside and somehow get to this “school,” it was suppose to be a local community college here but in my dream it took on a different weight. I went to this woman there who looked like she was in charge. She acted like it, not personable though.
This first floor was full of all these people I remember from the past, one in particular that was very talkative and very much clinging to me. It felt like she wanted to use me as a mouthpiece to bring up her concerns, apparently afraid to face the head woman herself. I did it for her and tried to explain myself but this lady was getting more angry and rude by the second. I don’t understand why. I go to the second floor, there are two guys there, who I can tell are not my kind of people. One was outrageously aggressive, also played by someone from the past. I made it clear I wasn’t interested. He put his hands on me repeatedly but I kept pushing back. I remember hearing myself think, am I going to get hurt??
But then this older gentleman appeared behind us and saw me leading him to his direction. When close enough, he took a broom and beat the guy down. I was so relieved I gave the guy a hug and he told me I need to leave quickly but I have your back. I went up to the third floor, but nothing to see there. I made my way to the top, this was the attic/roof of the place, filled with a library and two large groups of people. I didn’t seem to fit with either one. They looked at me like I didn’t belong, laughing at me when I tried to hobnob.
I gathered my things and ran out, avoiding the entrances of the three previous floors. I did notice all the people from those floors had vanished. On the bottom floor, I saw the mean woman waiting again, who told me to “go home” to pack my things and that I wasn’t leaving the school. I thought go home meant the obvious, but apparently she meant something else because she did not want me to actually leave the building. This resulted in us arguing, and what was once a somewhat physically attractive woman turned into a withered, age spot filled, demonic looking insect/beast before my eyes. Then I woke up from my festivities. I sat around feeling proud I had stood up for myself in my dreams but my curiosity started a-stirrin’, and I wondered if I could interpret the events.
I talked myself through it and saw that my dreams were reestablishing what I was ignoring: you need to move forward. I tend to over wait for things to pop off rather than being the one that moves along.
Family moving on without me: familiar surroundings (people, places, things,) are changing. They aren’t waiting for me to get ready, they are moving on. I shouldn’t wait either, just go. I tend to feel left behind when…you know, people live their lives like they should? I don’t expect them to stay but I get a weird feeling about it, and I see now that it’s because I lack the “get up” action at times. Even about a week ago after two years of lingering, I found out that the store I work at finally got bought out, well some stores. Even that’s moving forward before I do.
Remember when I said earlier that everything was making me mad but I know the cause? Part of it is my job. I know I’ve stayed there too long. I find hard just to even fake a smile, because I don’t want to be insincere to myself. I was making up annoying scenarios in my head I believe in an effort to vent out some frustrations. Driving to work recently I apologized to myself for not taking care, and just cried to let out some tension. It helped. I don’t move fast enough, and its my own fault for putting off so much.
The Chinese food I ordered when I was already full: I saw the error I made and still went along with it. I can change my mind. It’s allowed. But you ever feel like you have to stick with something you don’t want? I should have cancelled that order!
I think it was meant for me to look at things I don’t need to settle for even after changing. You’re allowed to change, go on and live with what’s in your heart. Don’t go on because you think you must or for someone else. Don’t force feed yourself something you thought you needed but now realize you don’t. Let others be disappointed if need be.
The school with different floors and the woman: I feel the school is a throwback to the lessons I’ve learned in my spiritual journeys. I kept seeing multiple people from the past – old wounds, old relationships and acquaintances that have ran their course, facing fears. Different floors – different so called “levels” in ascension, the feeling of needing to constantly go up. The old man – a protective presence that is currently and will always be there to help me and keep me safe. Going up and being ultimately unsatisfied – seeing where I really belong and what I believe in, finding my true home. Seeing all isn’t what I thought. Noticing that all the floors where empty – completion: I don’t have to keep reliving old things when I am clearly finished and healed with. Leaving the school – saying bye to living that life.
The woman I’m not totally sure. I think she represents a wannabe God-like presence that does nothing for me anymore. What once looked divine, now looks “demonic” – clearly NOT for me and of another dimension. When we were arguing, she said something about how I can’t cross her since she is so divine and powerful and beautiful. Who do you think you are? She pointed out her old, decrepit finger at me and I bit it. I bit three of those fingers. She wasn’t amused, it was kind of funny lol. I sometimes feel that there is a supernatural presence that wants me to be home and not be a part of the world but since I knew how weak that force is, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I think she can also represent fear, true “fear,” fear itself that feels like it’s keeping you in situations that you are clearly done with and ready to leave behind.
I did some job hunting and filled out 3 or 4 applications, first few in many weeks. I’ll keep searching, might have to venture further than what I’m used to. Until next time fantasy audience: