I’ve been getting a workout from this new hire at work. As they say, she’s a good kid. Very talkative though. VERY. TALKATIVE.
She is someone that has mounds of potential (I think I used mound right) and could stand to use some polishing and guidance. But every time I turn around she has something to say: to me, customers, her family when they come, etc. Sometimes all I can think is wooow, you sho’ talk a lot. She seems to think out loud and can easily jump from topic to topic. Very extraverted.
I’m not used to it.
It can be refreshing though. One night she got my attention when she was talking about her being sensitive—oh, she will also notify people when they might hurt her feelings. Its a little annoying but I think it’s best to talk about it, which is what I told her. She’s also a teenager, so I want to be delicate sometimes as I remember how I was at that age. As we were walking around she was saying how much she hates that about herself, the sensitivity, and how she wishes she could change that. Talking about how someone can accuse her of doing or saying something she knows she didn’t do and even though she knows that, she still will think damn “well did I say it? Did I do it? I really hate that about myself.”
At that moment, I wanted to say something. I did, but it wasn’t as eloquent as I wanted. There are millions of thoughts that surround this topic for me. I did tell her she just hasn’t mastered herself yet, and that is true, among other things. She seemed to understand me some.
THIS IS THE AUDIENCE THAT I WANT TO REACH
Some of them anyway.
For the past two weeks, I have let my soul wander without much purpose. I was thinking of all these goals that I have had and want to accomplish, and honestly it feels overwhelming. I’ve put those things out of my mind to feel more relaxed. I have a habit of thinking way too much, too soon for long term goals and even wrote on my marker-board: don’t focus on the future, think now.
People are trained to constantly think long term and make plans, and be prepared with back up plans for your back up plans. You know, to cover your ass.
Even with me being a natural planner, the only things that has made me feel is “you’re too late,” “you’re behind,” “you need to do more,” and anything related to thoughts of doing more but somehow never having enough.
None of the plans I made have worked.
Not in the past 10+ years. Schedules ain’t been nothing but nonsense.
I’ve held so much shame and embarrassment for it in the past. I was more prevalent on social media years ago, or at least tried to be and I eventually deleted everything because I felt so unproud of myself and didn’t want constant reminders of everything I could have done while looking at my childhood peers have better lives than I did.
I have since made one on the worlds biggest address book (facebook) and have made peace with my lifestyle, or lack thereof at times, but it still makes me a little nervous that one day they could ask that awful question (and they have)–what have you been doing lately? And then all I can say is honestly, nothing much. That isn’t true of course, I’ve been doing loads of things internally.
But saying I’ve been on a mental roller coaster and using spirituality as a tool to help me repair my past while still living at home just doesn’t quite hold the same weight as, well: I have a masters degree. I’m studying abroad. I just got married. Or the folks that even moved to different states to pursue acting or music careers. It didn’t matter if they were lying or omitting their setbacks, the fact was that they had something they could show off with physical evidence and I just…don’t right now.
So I dropped the goals and plans, and stopped thinking of the future. I am training my brain to just relax. I have been a chronic over thinker of the past and future for much too long.
But I think I have dropped a sense of purpose as well.
This morning I was revisiting “spirituality,” living post-spirituality, and what it all means to me, and I see that no matter I much I come alive at thinking of the metaphysical, I can’t just go back to how I entered it. It IS different now. There is something missing there, and that something is me.
I really must carve a niche for myself for what I have learned. To want to be like a “normal person with normal experiences” makes me feel empty and unimpressed with life. I can’t just pretend all this stuff didn’t happen. I need to share it. Like Job expressing his prophecies, it feels like “a fire shut up in my bones,” life that is there that needs to live beyond me that I can’t hold back no matter how much I want to drop it at times. But I will have to do it on my own accord. It will be a different kind of self help.
My conversation with her reopened my heart, and I saw that this is something that I must do for normal people that misunderstand this part of themselves, as well as others that are coming out of others’ ideologies and want to lead themselves, and others that want to better understand themselves, and so on. I had to drop this sense of everything I’m doing is “wrong” because it doesn’t meet whatever timestamp I grew out of my ass and took as the word of god carved in stone. It puts an unnecessary magnifying glass on every goal I feel I should accomplish when I’m glad to say:
I’m going at the right pace, and I’m doing just fine.
I’m going to keep this blog for personal things, but in the meantime will still be writing for a new side piece. That will be the home for the “stuff” I need to share. I’m putting time into it and reviewing my past and experiences one more time.